One thing all dads are famous for is their bad jokes. Here are some that you may want to avoid if you’re not going to annoy the kids. On the other hand though………

Bad dad jokes for in the car

• When driving past some black and white cows, ‘Boy it must be cold out there, those cows are Friesian!’
• ‘Where are we Dad?’ …. ‘In the car’
• When there is a slow driver in the way, ‘Come on!! What are you waiting for? Christmas?’
• When an emergency service vehicle goes past with siren blazing, ‘You’ll not sell many ice creams going that fast.’
• When driving past someone washing their car, ‘you can do mine next, if you want!’

Bad dad jokes for in the house

• Before retiring to the bathroom for a ‘number two’, ‘give the sewage plant a ring…let them know there’s one on its way!’
• ‘Dad I’m hungry’ … ‘Hi hungry I’m dad’.
• ‘I´m off’ … ‘I wondered what the smell was!’
• When phone ringing Dad says ‘If it’s for me don’t answer it.’
• Child: I’m thirsty. Dad: Hi I’m Friday!
• Child: I’m hungry. Dad: I’m Germany, please to meet you.
• Child: It’s going to be a cold night tonight. Dad: Yes, and a dark one too.
• After watching you fall over: “Have a nice trip!”
• when deciding to order take away and mom asks do they deliver – “no, just chicken and beef”
• ‘Put the cat out’ … ‘I didn’t realise it was on fire’

Bad dad jokes for at a restaurant

• Upon hearing someone in a restaurant dropping glasses or crockery – “Sack the juggler!”
• Anywhere with stuffed and mounted animal heads – “It must have been going pretty fast when it hit that wall!”.
• ‘I’ll be your waiter tonight’ … ‘I’ll be your customer!’
• At the Greek Restaurant, the waiter hands your Dad the menu, and he says. ‘Can you recommend something. This menu’s all greek to me.’
• When the waiter mentions on of the specials tonight is chicken, Dad says ‘none for me its foul!’
• When being offered a hot towel in a Chinese restaurant, Dad says ‘No thank you, I’m full!’
• Mentioning to the waiter that, ‘I’m on a special seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.’

Bad dad jokes for at the dinner table

• When Dad drops a pea off of his plate ‘oh dear I’ve pee’d on the table!’
• Child: I feel like a sandwich Dad: Funny, you don’t look like one….
• When eating mushrooms Dad will always make a remark about how he’d like to eat more but he doesn’t have mush room.
• “Do you want some food to go with your gravy?”
• After a large meal Dad says, “Well that was nice, what’s for dinner?”
• Child: Please may I leave the table? Dad: And where are you going to leave it?

Bad dad jokes when asked a question

• Child: Is it Wednesday today? Dad: All day…
• Child: Dad, can you put my shirt on? Dad: No, it doesn’t fit me.
• Child: Shall I put the kettle on? Dad: Do you think it will suit you?
• Child: Where’s the bin? Dad: I haven’t been anywhere.
• Child: How Long’s Dinner? Dad:….About nine inches..
• Child: What’s on the TV? Dad: Just some dust
• Child: How is that water? Dad: Wet
• Child: Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

Things not to say to your partner during labour:

• ‘why would I need to ask that nice pedestrian for directions. I’m sure the hospital is just around the corner….’
• ‘Push dear – the chinese shuts at 10 o’clock and match of the day is on at half past.’
• ‘I know it hurts –  I heard you the first time, and the second and the third…….’
• ‘Does it hurt?’
• ‘I’ll give you the gas and air back in a minute, you’ve had loads – it’s my turn now.’
• ‘Okay love, I’m sure you’re trying your best but…….’
• ‘Urgh, gross!’
• You’re so lucky. I’m sure men wish they could experience the miracle of childbirth.
• I hope your ready. The photographer will be here in fifteen minutes.
• That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner?
• When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a dog.
• You don’t need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment.
• Your belly still looks like there’s another one in there.
• You’re sweating a lot.
• Doesn’t look like me – are you sure its mine?

Author: SuperDads

We’re here to make a difference. Superdads not only offers advice but we are her e to promote the importance of fatherhood. Many people are oblivious to the fact that Dads really do matter and this is something we’d like to put right.

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